Fighting My Demons
by tamekandafictional
Summary: After Castiel fell, he searched for something to take away his pain. Finding Tameka's razors, he starts using them for cutting and is able to hide the cuts from Sam and Dean, although, one day they find blood on his trench coat which Cas passes off as a stain,meaning Cas has to work extra hard to hide his secret. TRIGGER WARNING Human!Cas Fallen!Cas Destiel Fluff. (maybe)
1. The Start

**This fanfiction was inspired from a Destiel one-shot I read, so if the other finds this, I apologise now for kinda copying your idea. This takes place after the season 8 finale, when Cas becomes human. Hate on me if you wish, but I find this is how I can best portray how I would feel if I was Cas. If you want more one-shots (Although this may not be a one-shot) then just tell me (if anyone even reads this), and I hope you enjoy.**

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Wincing as I felt the cold, lifeless blade slide across my skin, I was able to forget all pain and guilt as the blood seeped out. _Thank goodness Tameka keeps a supply of razors, even though she uses them for different purposes. Hopefully she doesn't question where her last one went._ I thought. Sliding the blade across my arm a few more times before there was a knock at the door "Cas, you need to come down, Tameka made some hot apple pie and wants us to try some. Cas, come on man, what's wrong?" "Nothing, I'll be down in a minute." Hearing Dean's footsteps fade, I quickly hid the razor in my sweatpants and double-checked the bleeding had stopped before pulling the sleeves of a long-sleeved AC/DC shirt that Dean had given me, then proceeded to put on my trench coat.

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"Tameka, this is amazing. I didn't even know you could make such an amazing pie. Cas, what about you, you've barely touched it." Tameka glanced over at me, and probably took note of what Dean had said. "Yeah, Ummm it's perfectly delish as then young people of today say; I'm just not that hungry." "Okay. Cas, I know that act, I pulled it on my friends and family too, so if you need anything, just tell me. Now I'm going upstairs to have a shower." The bathroom door closed and I thought I was safe and could go back to my room and slice away the pain but my thoughts were interrupted by a sudden "Son of a bitch!" followed by Tameka bouncing down the stairs. "Which one of you boys stole my last razor?" She asked. "Oh shit." I muttered only loud enough for me to hear. "Tameka, calm down, surely you used them all, or lost them, seems that every time you go to shave, you're either missing a razor from the last time you counted or you're out. Besides that, what would Sam, Cas or I want with _your_ razors?" Dean asked. I noticed Tameka's eyes fell on me, but they quickly left. "I guess you're right. Guess I'll have to wait. If you boys need me, I'll be in the shower." _Phew._ Getting up to put my plate in the kitchen, Dean told Sam to give him a minute. "Hang on, Cas, why is your arm bleeding, or, why is their blood on your trench coat?" Sam asked, meaning from both brothers I received a glance of concern. "Oh, I… uh… can't seem to get that stain out, but I'll… I'll keep trying." After placing my plate in the sink, I bolted up the stairs and ran to my room.

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 **Okay. It's been decided. This isn't going to be a one-shot. Hope you liked it.**


	2. Can't Hide From Dean

**I am so shocked at the views this is getting, and I just, I'm impressed. Well, Chapter 2 is here. This will be longer then the last, but not by too much.**

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"Cas. Is it okay if I come in?" Dean's voice comes through my door and I look down at my wrist, "If I say no, are you still going to come in? Because I say no, you can't come in." I state, because as he speaks I'm still cutting; now there are 20 blood red lines on my arm and I can't seem to stop. He opens the door and starts walking to my bed. "Yes, Cas, I will, I will come in even though you said no because I'm worrying about you man. Ever since you fell, you've been wearing long sleeves all the time and you're barely eating. And then Tameka says she used to pull the same 'act' you are on her friends and family, and I know what Tameka did, she used to cut. I just want to make sure you're okay Cas. And, please, don't lie to me Cas, I'm starting to get sick of all the lies." Dean is now sitting beside me. If I wasn't paying so much attention to his words, I would've pulled down my sleeves but I start to hear tears roll down Dean's face. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you and tried to act like nothing was wrong, I just didn't want to disappoint you." I look towards Dean. The man who I fixed even though it broke me was now broken, because of me. "It's my fault isn't it Cas. You're doing this because of the way I've been fighting with Sam about how we can keep all angels from killing you." I've broken this man, the man who I'd fall over and over again for. "Dean, I'm cutting because I think it would be better if I killed myself, and besides, I don't deserve to live. My brothers and sisters have fallen because of me. This is less then what I deserve. But, it helps." I look down at my mutilated arm. Dean looks down as well. "Cas. Please come to me, okay, next time you even think about doing this, even if it's fucking midnight and you doubt I'll be awake, come to me." The plea in his voice so obvious I knew he wasn't joking. "Okay. Please don't leave. I want to do it more because I feel I have disappointed you. So please don't go." I look down at my hand, but Dean pulls it towards him, takes the razor out of my hand and walks to the bin in my room. "I won't ever leave unless you want me to Cas. Because I never want to hear or see that you turned to a razor instead of me. And, I won't tell Tameka where all her razors have gone." He adds, walking back to where I am. "Now let's clean you up. I don't want it to get infected."

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"Cas. Dean. Sam. I think I might've found a case." Tameka calls up the staircase. "Tameka, Cas and I need a few more minutes." Dean calls. I realize I'm staring at him, but he then says "Stare as long as you like Cas. As long as you like cause from now on, I'm willing to go to all lengths to keep you alive." _Surely there are lengths you wouldn't go._ Not realizing I had spoken my thoughts, Dean hugged me tightly and after pulling away, took off his shirt and wrapped it around my arm so as to protect my cuts. "Okay, now you've definitely proven to me that you'll go to all extents to keep me alive." I said, wanting to just plant a kiss on Dean's lips. Everything is just the way I thought it was, ranging from his muscular shoulders down to his 6-pack. "Thought you would've liked the sight. Now, let's go check out this case Tameka's got."

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"Okay, to fill you two in on what Tameka found, she said that in Colorado, she found signs that another wendigo could've been transformed. At Blackwater Ridge. She thinks we should check it out. Besides, we haven't been on a hunt because you've been too busy trying to protect Cas" Sam spoke quickly. "I've loaded up the car. Sam and I will sit in the back so you and Cas can sit in the front Dean. Who's ready for our first hunting trip since Cas became an angelic human." Tameka says teasing me. "Hey, I know you have the hots for him, but you don't have a chance." Dean says protectively. "Dude, just saying he's hot, okay." She surrenders. "But I'm not an angel anymore. What use am I to help on this hunt?" I ask, not understanding why I was needed. "Really Cas? Really? Look, with or without mojo, you're still useful. We need all the help we can get okay. So, Cas and I will ride front, Sam and Tameka will ride backseat. Let's get this show on the road." And when Dean finished, we started towards his baby.

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 **Again, so happy with the traffic created from this one, can't wait to post the next chapter.**


	3. Traveling On The Road

**Sorry, I haven't been able to post anything. I'm having issues with my computer. But tablets work. Anyway. Enjoy chapter 3. (Just a little bit of info I haven't given yet. Sam isn't possessed by Gadreel. Cas lives in the bunker but works at Gas 'n' Sip. The angels have fallen and most angels hate Cas and the background for Tameka is that she's from another dimension. Tameka has two backgrounds one of which you may find out sooner or later.) I sadly don't own Supernatural McDonalds or any music mentioned.**

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" _The deeper you cut, the deeper I hurt. The deeper you cut, it only gets worse. The deeper you cut, the deeper I hurt. The deeper you cut, it only gets worse."_ Dean sings one of Tameka's favourite songs. "Tameka doesn't have that bad of a taste in music." Dean says as _The Way She Feels_ by Between The Trees finishes and _Battle Scars_ by Guy Sebastian starts. " _These battle scars don't look like they're fading, don't look like they're ever going away. They ain't ever gonna change these battle... "_ I start singing while looking down at my arm. Apart from the occasional singing from Dean or myself, Tameka and Sam's snoring and the music from the stereo, everything is peace.

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"How much longer?" Tameka asks. "Not to much. We'll have breakfast and then we got about 3,4 more hours to go." Dean says as he pulls off the interstate and drives to the service station to get Maccas. "Okay. If we're having Maccas, I'll have a bacon and egg Mcmuffin meal with a hot chocolate as the drink." Tameka says as she becomes more alert. "What about you Cas? I know Sam will order what he wants from where he wants, Tameka's given me her order and I'll be having the same thing except with a coffee so what do you want?" Dean asks me as we exit the car. "Whatever you dub fit for me. I don't know that much about food." I say unsure of why I have to chose. "Okay. I'll get you what I'm having. But do you want a coffee or something else for the drink?" Dean asks as we approach the counter. "Coffee please. Not strong though, weak please." I say, glad that I can choose a coffee.

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After collecting the food we hop back in the car and drive. By around noon we arrive at the motel. "Alright. Tameka and Sam, you two are getting separate rooms while Cas and I are sharing. Now, Tameka, you and Cas, research more on the case. Sam and I are going to the station. Figure out if they have anything useful. We'll be back when possible." Dean stated. "Hang on. First, I wanna know, what happened back at the bunker. What took you so long? " Tameka counters. "We'll be back later. Oh and Cas," Dean started and waited for my attention. "Uh, oh, yes Dean?" I ask, only after realizing that I was being spoken to. After he beckoned me for me to come closer, which I complied with, he kissed me and after pulling back, said "You and Tameka take this 3 keys, go to our room and you call me if you need me, or you Call Sam if you have any information. Capuche?" "Yeah, I capuche." And with that note, Tameka and I were left to research. _Big smile, no hint of sadness, just act happy. Just act happy._


	4. Author's Note

**Hello. This is just an author's note to say…**

 **I'M ON WATTPAD!**

 **My username on is tamekandafictional. Hope you are liking all of my fanfictions on here so far. Anyhow… if you have any suggestions or want to read a story that's on Wattpad here just ask. And also I just wanna make sure people are actually READING THIS. Also is there anything you guys want to happen. Kay. That's all.**

 **tamekandafictionalworlds out!**


	5. Saved By An Irishmen

**I have no idea where this is going. Anyhow… a big thank you to DemonWithAShotgun for your suggestions. I shall see where this takes me. And also… Tameka was 'adopted' by the boys (as in they saved her from a hunt and she has stayed with them ever since) So that's how our lovely Tam is here. Anyhow… moving on!**

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"Hey Cas, can I please ask you something?" Tameka asked with utmost concern. "Yeah. Sure. Anything you want." I reply, though terrified of what she's going to ask. "Why did you think you couldn't help on this trip because you were no longer an angel?" She asked as if she was walking on the very edge of a cliff and one wrong movement meant she'd come into contact with the rocky shore below. "I… I… Just… Just… Ugh… Never mind" I stuttered. No way in purgatory was I telling Tameka. If I can't tell Sam and Dean, then I most certainly can't tell Tameka. "Right, well, from what I've found, it's definitely another Wendigo. I'll call the boys and see if they agree."

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The slow rumble of the Impala washeard signaling the boys were back from the station. I was in the bathroom because my mind was blaming me for what has happened since I meet the boys and Tameka. They were so happy. Tameka could have had a normal life. As I stared into the bathroom mirror, trying desperately to not grab my angel blade and cut, I heard a voice. "Cas! Castiel, you get out here right now. I have a job for you to do!" For a 13-year-old, Tameka was bossy. I put on a smile, which read 'I'm gonna smile even though I'm a dying mess' in my mind, and opened the bathroom door. "The boys and I are going to go find and hopefully kill the Wendigo. I want you to go on my computer. Then type in my password, you'll find it attached to the keyboard, and watch what pops up. I think it might help. We'll see you later." Following Tameka's instructions, I found myself on a website called YouTube and watching videos by some Irish guy.

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By the time I heard the rumble of the Impala for a second time, I had nearly watched 48 hours of one of the coolest people. Who would've thought that he was providing me with a feeling I had never felt… happiness. "Hey Cas. So, what do you think?" Tameka asked, in which I just ran up and hugged her tightly. "Thank you for showing me this Irish guy Tameka. I've been laughing like mad for a long time now and I feel… happy." Tameka smiled a smile I had never seen. And I mean never seen. "I'm glad. He makes me smile too. If you ever need to smile, and no one's around, watch his videos." And that's how I found happiness through watching someone play games.

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 **If you are wondering who the Irish guy that Cas was watching on YouTube, have you ever been on YouTube?**

 **QOTD: Do you know who the Irish guy is?**

 **AOTD: Of course I do… how many of you do?**

 **Hope you enjoy. Be sure to check out my wattpad ( tamekandafictional) and my other stories (if you want). Laters!**


	6. One Month Later

As Tameka walks with me out of the hospital for the god knows what time, we are in silence and nothing else. She must be so disappointed in me. "Castiel, I don't want you to think I'm disappionted in you because truth is, I'm not. We haven't heard anything from Sam and Dean since after we got back home from the Wendigo attack." She broke the slience with her words that told me that she can't see it in her to be disappionted with me because of the fact that she used to do what I did. "But I don't fully understand why they haven't even so much as emailed us." I said in my usual confused voice. "Sam has been emailing me giving me slight updates. They said that they should be home by next week hopefully." She explained. I had forgotten about Sam's emails. "You haven't told him have you?" I asked with a strong hint of worry. "I've told him that we've both had to be in hospital from attacks because we've been doing what hunting we can if that's what ypu're refering to but otherwise I haven't told him about what you've also been going to hospital for." She said calmly. Thank goodness she understood. How she did though I will probably never understand. Next thing we knew we were driving back to trhe bunker. The fact she never got mad at me for what I did to myself really made me question why she got mad at people who saw them and assumed I was an attention seeker. Espescially the angels. She stragight told some of them that because they can't feel emotions they don't understand what I'm going through.

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After arriving at the bunker, Tameka gets a call but from whom I'm not sure. "Hey, what's up?" She listens intently to the other person until she slaps the wheel of her car, which was a black 1969 Chevy Impala. I swear she gets her taste in cars from Dean. "Are you fucking serious?" She questioned while pressing her hand to her head. she listened more until she had just closed her eyes. "I'm gonna put you on speaker so you can tell Cas and you do the same please." She said before doing so. "So hey Cas, I'll get Dean awake." Sam said. "Hey Cas and Tam. So how's it going?" Dean asked. "Just tell Cas what Sam just told me okay!" Tam yelled into the phone. "Well someone is on her period." Dean mocked Tameka. "So get this, Lucifer and Rowena are married and have been since before the Wendigo hunt, but because of their vessels they have been married since Tameka was just able to walk." Sam spoke. "Now do you get why I'm pissed Cas?" Tameka said as she got out and slammed her door. Grabbing the phone I stepped out of the car and followed Tameka inside. "Why is Tameka pissed about this? I don't believe I see any reason for her to be so pissed." I spoke down the other end while Tameka screamed about how she couldn't believe that she was possibly gonna be marrying some dick after we deal with Rowena and Lucifer. "Because their vessels are her parents, and remember how when Trin and Adam where alive, we met with Tameka to discuss why the cases she were getting were so easy?" Sam said and that's when it clicked. "Right, she had been hunting for a month and all that. I remember." I understood that now. She really didn't want to marry that fella. And I think after losing Trin she wasn't willing to have that happen again. "Yeah exactly. She doesn't want to do that. She can't find it in herself. She hates him." Dean finally spoke whilst Tameka said she was going to bed cause she wasn't gonna deal with this bullshit. "I better go to sleep too. Talk in the morning." I hung up and instantly went to the couch so I get some rest.

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 **Hey hey! Long time no see! Anyhow I connected this with Saved By The Winchesters. I'm literally gonna provide a basic description of what happened after the first chapter in that one cause I legit can't be bothered writing anymore in it. But yeah anyhow, hope you guys like this chapter and if there is anything you have to say about this story please tell me!**


	7. Morning!

After waking up, I walked to the kitchen bunker and saw Tameka at her computer having a coffee whilst typing away. "What are you doing Tameka?" I asked. "I'm writing a story. Helps me sometimes." She explained and I'm guessing she was writing her book about... actually what as the story about? "So what's the story about?" I asked because I swear she might've told me but I could've forgotten. "Just about 4 people going on a magical quest to gain exceptance from their people because of the fact they are all gay. 2 of them, Gabe and Sam, know they are gay and are trying to get their brothers, Dean and Cas, to realize that they are also gay but Dean and Cas think the only reason they came on the quest is because they accept their brothers and wanted to help them. At the moment I'm just using the names of Sam, Dean, Gabe and you and I'll come up with actual names after I've finished writing it." She explained and I understood. I had heard of her using the names of her classmates in her stories berfore but only until she finished them and then she would create actually names before publishing them online. I have to say it makes sense. You don't forget the names that way. "I was referring to the bit your writing." I said, because I knew it was about people on a quest but I don't know what the chapter was actually about. "Just Gabe and Sam admiring how blindlessly gay their brothers are for each other." She seems like this is all casual for her to use our names like this. It's strange. Oh well. I hear the bunker door open and everything is back to normal. Well almost. "Hey Cas!" Dean walked up to me and hugged me and I was confused. "Now come on let's go hunting for your older brother the Devil and his witchy bride." Dean said as he headed towards the garage. "I'm driving my car!" Tameka shouted causing a little quarrel to occur between the two, causing me to chuckle.

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 **Hey! How do you like what I did? Short update I know but some things came up. I'm thinking about writing the story I mentioned because why not. Anyhow, if you have any requests for stories you want me to write than just leave a review! See ya in the next update or book!**


	8. Well Jesus Christ

While Sam and I sat back, Dean was riding shotgun. "Ca we please chuck on some classic rock Tameka?" Dean pleaded, after all he had lost the battle between the two of them. "Not until one comes on. After all, isn't that the house rule?" Tameka said and Dean immediately responded. "That's right, driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole. I'm sorry." Tameka shook her head at Dean's apology. "That's funny. That's really funny Dean. You being sorry?" Tameka started laughing but was interrupted by Sam. "So get this, this news article, says 'Great Scientist Dr. Nathan Eckhardt and his mistress Jess Eckhardt have been reported to police on the prosecution of having walked into a church while talking about how vile their daughter, Tameka Eckhardt, was for not following God's way, being bisexual and preforming unholy things and in turn they were forced to murder her. However, this time when Tameka was 13, now possibly 23, they reported her to have run away.' Sounds a bit fishy to me." I listened closely. "So why would they say that?" I asked, finally speaking. "Well Cassie, I am bisexual, and one of my friends accidently spilled the beans around the parents of the person I was supposed to marry. As for not following God's way, I don't believe in gender roles or having exact plans for life. And as for the unholy things, I was 13, I had access to the internet, I was horny, what do you expect?" She explained and she did make a valid case. "So exactly how religious are these fucking parents of yours?" Dean asked, and all I could do was shake my head, afraid she was gonna say something stupid. "I'm talking they wouldn't let me hang with anyone but...," she shuddered before continuing, "Baden." She shuddered again. "They also didn't want me to do anything but become a house wife. They were so fucking religious they threatened to take me out of school and all they ever did was shove Christianity down my throat. They made me have so many fucking bibles that but the time I was 5 I had over 20. By 12 I had lost complete count of how many I had. I think it over 100." She just shook her head. "Last time people were that religious, it was at the start of Christianity." I spoke quietly. "Okay Sam, tell me where that was and Tam'll head their. Keep a eye on the news. Any updates, tell us. Tam step on it after we learn where they are." Tameka stepped on it and headed towards Lawrence.

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At the halfway point we needed to have a rest. "Okay, Cas and I will share, Sam and Tam, you two share. Now no sex you hear me?" And with that we headed towards our rooms. After entering, Dean pushed me aginst the door and started kissing me. After breaking free, we laid and went to sleep cuddling.

 **Ayeeeeeeeeee look at what** **I** **did! A bit of Destiel for ya'll. I may have Gabe come back not too sure yet. Sorry for the short updates this is just what's coming to mind. Also it's my birthday tomorrow yay! Laters!**


	9. Goodbye

_I was back in heaven with all my brothers and sisters. But they weren't treating me with respect. They were pushing me around. Throwing hurtful words at me. "You were a mistake Castiel." "Disgrace to angels." "Die Castiel." "Kill yourself." They pushed me into a wall. Father was there too. Watching on… doing nothing to stop my siblings from attacking me. I tried to shield myself with my wings. The siring pain of an angel blade through my wing caused me to scream out. "Stop. Please. I didn't know. I swear I didn't mean too." "No Castiel, you have spilt too much of our brothers and sisters blood. Look at what you've done to Heaven Castiel." One of them screamed in my face. I felt more slashes of an angel blade through me. I tried to pry them off me but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I begged and begged them to stop but they just wouldn't. "Father, help me please!" I called out to him. He looked at me with sad eyes only to whisper the words "I'm sorry Castiel" and disappeared. The other angels continued tearing at me. I was beginning to become dizzy. I started seeing a light…_

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I sat up straight, the words still circling. I was the whole reason for my brothers falling from Heaven. I did deserve to die. I was a disgrace. I deserved those slashes. Walking towards the bathroom, I thought about all I had ever done. I unleashed evils upon this world to try and make things right, only to make things ten times worse. Looking back towards the bed, I saw that Dean was in a deep sleep. 'I'm so sorry Dean." I whispered before entering the bathroom and looking the door behind me. I picked up my angel blade and raised it to my wrists, tears stinging my eyes daring to fall. I could just here all the other angels screaming at me to slice my wrists deep up enough to kill. "I'm so sorry Dean." The tears started falling as I inflicted myself with cut after cut. 20 slices into my already scared skin, all deep and staining my clothes with blood. "I'm so sorry Dean." I said again choking on my tears. I inflicted ten more on my left arm before moving to my right arm, inflicting the same amount. My vision started going blurry. "Goodbye Dean." I whispered before my head fell against the door with a slight thud. Maybe now I'll be at peace.

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 **I'M SO SORRY! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! I'M SO SORRY GUYS! FEELS I'M SO SORRY GUYS! I don't know if Cas is gonna be okay… please don't kill me. I'll update when I can because I'm packing to move in a few weeks. Again, so sorry guys. ;-;**


	10. Running' To Save Him

**This one is gonna be a bit longer with changes of Point of View. It's just necessary for me to convey all the emotions I can. Especially Dean's. That's why he is first. After all, I have decided this could be a slow burn Destiel.**

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 **Dean's POV**

Waking up to find an empty space beside me I panic. "Cas?" I call out, but to no avail. "CAS!" I ran out to where Sam and Tam were sleeping. Knocking frantically I feel more panic seep in. Cas could be in so much trouble. "Dean what the heck?" A groggy Sam asks after opening up the door. I'm panicking so much I can's speak. "Tameka!" Sam called as I just walked down trying not to cry. Where was Cas? "Whoa… Dean what's wrong?" She asked sympathetically. "Cas… Cas…" I started shaking. "Dean take a deep breathe. Just calm down okay?" And then I lost it. "Calm down! You want me to calm down when I couldn't find Cas!" I then started shaking and crying uncontrollably. Cas was family. "Sam you stay here… I'm gonna check the room again." Tam called out and walked out. "I can't believe it Sammy, Cas… Cas was in my arms when I feel asleep but.." I couldn't finish. The thought of losing Cas was too scary. Too much to deal with.

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 **Tam's POV**

"Hey Cas… buddy?" I called out, walking into the apartment. I turned on the light to see a small pool of blood coming from under the bathroom door. 'Oh no. No." I kept muttering no as I tried to open the bathroom door. "CROWLEY GET YOUR ASS HERE!" I called out. "What is it Tiger?" Crowley called out behind me. "Get me in that bathroom now." I demanded. He clicked his fingers and I looked down and panicked. "No. No no no no. NO!" I screamed. I unlocked the door and got Crowley to get the boys from the next room. While he did that I loaded Cas into the Impala while doing my best to prevent anymore blood loss. 'Come one Cas. Come one buddy." I whispered. I heard the doors open and shut only to have the boys ask me where to go. "The nearest hospital." I spat out while trying to keep anymore blood loss to a minimum. Dean stepped on it while Sam directed us. After arriving, we parked the Impala and I realised I couldn't support Cas by myself. "Sam, Dean you gotta help me carry him." We carried him into the A&E only to run into Sheriff Potter. 'What are you doing out of Lawrence?" I asked quickly because he might be able to help us. "Our hospital was too packed. So where many others." He responded only to be cut off by Sam. "Well, can you help our friend? We found him in the bathroom of our motel room. Tam said to get him to hospital." He motioned for us to follow him and we did while he interrogated us. "Dean woke up to find him not there beside him and I went to look for him only to find blood coming from the bathroom. Once I got in, I acted quickly trying to prevent anymore blood loss." I explained quickly. "Tam… why do you think he was bleeding?" Sheriff Potter asked. "I'm almost certain it was a SX78.1XX_A." Potter nodded. After getting Cas under care, the Sheriff got us together in a room. "Is… is Cas gonna be okay?" Dean asked, sitting down on the couch. "Not sure. These are some of the best doctors though so he should be." After a while, doctors came in with paperwork for us to fill out and the hours just ticked by while we sat there anxiously waiting for the results.

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 **Cas' POV**

I looked around to see bright light. Heaven. "Hello." I called out, but of course no one was there. I looked around and saw two doors. One had a bright light while the other was rather gloomy. Some humans would these too doors different ways. The bright one happiness while the dark sadness. Other bright for life and dark for death. And other would see the bright door as death and the other as life. So this is what humans were faced with when they died. I stood in front of each door listening. On one was the beeping of a machine. The other held silence. I wasn't sure which door to take. I listened closely once again. The dark door… it held happiness… but the light… that he;d the beeping machine. I looked down at my wrists and back to the doors. "Father… I know you might not be here… but which… which door should I pick?" I asked into the empty room however I was foolish to think there could be an answer. Which door should I pick? Leaning up against the brighter door I heard Dean's voice. "Why. Why did Cas have to go and do this?" I could hear him breaking at that sentence. That's when I made my mind. "I'm coming back Dean." Swinging the door open I walk through the bright light towards the beeping sound which is getting louder an louder by each step. After taking one final step I reach a second door and open it. My eyes then shoot open. The beeping of the machine speed up a bit as I tried to register my surroundings. "You're awake." Some one spoke beside me only to send a message to someone. Not a minute later, Dean, Sam and Tam came up to me. Tameka looked hurt. Sam was worried. But Dean…. Dean had obviously been crying. "Oh Cas." He then enveloped me into a hug while crying into my shoulder. After a few minutes they were ushered away from me so I could rest.

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 **So, Cas did not die! Be proud of me please. I actually did research for this chapter so as that way Tam could sound smart XD. Anyway yay Cas is alive but what will happen next ?_? Find out next chapter! Edit: sorry but I hadn't done full research before writing this chapter about ICD 10 Diagnosis Codes so I did have to change some things. Anyhow, I'll hopefully have chapter 11 up by tonight ^~^ Second edit: OMG WHO KNEW THE SYSTEM WAS SO COMPLICATED! IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM! I'm relatively sure I now have everything right but I am like checking this 5 times before I continue writing chapter 11. Fingers crossed I do _**


	11. What Can We Do?

**So, before I continue, please re read chapter 10 if you haven't already because I stuffed up some things so yeah. Anyway, onto chapter 11!**

* * *

 **Cas' POV**

Waking up again, I was shocked that I was in hospital. "Oh. You're awake Mr. Novak. I'll go get your friends." Spoke the nurse, and I looked down to what I had done to my skin. I had sliced it open as if it had a monster trapped inside, which I guess is pretty accurate. "Cas… so glad you're alright." Sam spoke quickly. Tameka had walked over to the window and Dean just sat down. We settled into an uncomfortable silence which was broken by a cough from Tameka. "Hey guys, why don't you go get us some food?" She turned around and looked at the boys as if to say, 'do as you are told or else.' Once the boys left she turned 'round to me with a look of… disappointment maybe. "Cas. Why?" She asked, her voice shaking. "I'd rather not talk about it." I looked away shamefully, but she wouldn't accept that as an answer. "Castiel look at me right now and tell why it is you hurt yourself!" She then took a deep breath before continuing. "I just wanna know why because if you don't, I want know what might be best." She looked at me am expression solemnly shown on her face, worry. "I… had a nightmare…" I then went on to explain all the bits and pieces all while looking at me with understanding and I could tell the cogs and cranks in her head were spinning and working away trying to think of the best actions to take. After taking a deep breath, I looked at her. 'Why did you save me? I deserved to die." That's when everything seemed clicked into place in her mind although she didn't address what I had said last. "Okay, thank you. But… first you're on a suicide watch for the roughly 15 hours and then they must discuss with the four of us what would be best for you. Now you are going to have to understand they put into the mental health unit as an involuntary patient if they feel it necessary." She spoke with wisdom and knowledge. The boys then came back and looked at Tameka. "So… Tam… what do you think they are gonna have to do with Cas?" Dean asked, and I could see the pain in his eyes and hear the hurt in his voice. It made feel even worse. "He may have to go in patient, whether voluntary or not. Otherwise they will keep him in on suicide watch for another 24 hours before discharging him." How she knew this I had no idea. Next, Sheriff Potter opened the door and walked in. "Well… the doctor wants to discuss your friend with you." He explained uncomfortably. Then the doc walked in. "Oh… but Tam here already told us the feasible options." Sam explained to doc who turned to look at her. "Sheriff, isn't she that girl you said told you that Mr. Novak here was almost certainly going to be checked in as a SX78.1XX_A?" She questioned causing Tameka to blush. "I most certainly am. Ummm… so…. Which of the three options do you think is best for our friend here?" She asked modestly.

* * *

 **Tam's POV**

"What three options? I haven't even suggested any?" The doctor looked at me puzzled. "Oh… I've been admitted under the mental health act before and I know that he can either go in patient voluntarily, or involuntary if deemed necessary, and that otherwise he would be on suicide watch for a further 24 hours." I spoke professionally. "Wow, well done Miss…?" "Askin Eckhardt." I responded cringing as we had never thought of a permeant name for me. Well that and if she wanted to double check that what I said was true, she would need to know my actual last names. "Well then. Sheriff, Mr Winchesters, and Ms Askin, I'm going to need you follow me." And with that we left Cas alone.

* * *

 **Dean's POV**

Everything was so confusing. Tam's mind seemed to working overtime as we followed the doc to white room where we settled on a couch. After we were settled, she turned to speak to Sam first. "Mr. Winchester, what do you believe would be the best option for Mr. Novak?" She asked and he shrugged before answering. "I'm not too sure to be honest. I mean… I'm still in shock and I am a bit confused. What were the codes you talked about?" He asked and to be honest I was quite curious too. "They are the ICD 10 CM Diagnosis Code, used so as that way we can act as quickly as possible to make sure the patient gets the appropriate treatment. The code your friend used was the straight forward medical version of self-harm by sharp knife leaving a type of a scar. The code doesn't describe the nature of the injury, just the cause as well as explaining what we are treating. She used the sequala initial encounter code which basically means this is the first time he's being treated for this set of scars." Wait what? "This set? You mean there have been others?" I inquired confused. "He suffered extremely bad infections because he didn't tell me about them. Sorry Dean… he asked me not to tell you." Tameka looked away shamefully while I tried hard not to yell at everyone in the room. "Anyway…. Thank you, Tameka, for telling us the exact code we needed so we could treat Mr. Novak." The doctor then turned to me. "Mr. Winchester, I knew this is a bit to take in but we must discuss what to do from here." I just shook my head. "Can we ask our friend how he's feeling about everything before we make our decision?" I inquired. "I think he has to go in patient. Whether he wants to or not. There's a chance he could do it again." Tameka seemed to know something we didn't. "What makes you say that?" Sam asked with caution. "He asked why I saved him. He truly believes he deserves to die." And then without even stopping myself tears started streaming down my face. "Very well… we shall take that into consideration. I must go speak with the team." And the doc left us alone.

* * *

 **Ohhhhhh what's gonna happen to Cas? Also, yOu HaVe No IdEa Of ThE dIfFicUlTy I hAd WrItInG tHiS cHaPtEr So PlEaSe PrOvIdE fEeDbAcK. Also hope you guys don't hate me. If you have suggestions for where this hould go or you want me to write another fanfiction then just PM me and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Depending on the time in Australia that the message comes through it may take between a few seconds to 8+ hours to get back to you cause I do have to sleep you know. Anyway enough rambling, laters!**


	12. Why Cas?

**Cas' POV**

Looking out my window, I dwelled on what Tameka had said. _You may have to go in patient, whether you want to or not._ I don't understand how exactly she had kept so calm. About 2 hours or so after they left, the three returned with a couple of half assed smiles. I didn't need grace to know something was up. "Heya Cas. Got you some pie." Dean offered. He did seem to have something to say that was worrying him. Sam shifted uncomfortable and Tameka looked like she could scream. "What?" I asked startling them. "Spit it." I demanded not taking any of this. "Cas… you have to go in patient. The doc explained that because of the events of last you couldn't leave their care for a week." Dean spoke shaking. Tam just seemed to be looking way from the me. I had no clue as to why Dean was shaking but Sam then quickly swooped in. "Dean, do you need to leave?" Sam asked while Tam just shifted her position while looking down at her feet, meaning she was felling regret. "How?" Was all Dean asked before he bolted to my bed and hugged me profoundly. "How could you even think for one second you deserved to be dead Cas." He ground out and Tameka guided Sam out of the room. "I'm sorry Dean. I knew not of the pain I would cause by trying to leave this realm even though I didn't mean for it to go as far as it did. I'm sorry I begged Tameka to keep it a secret from you that I never picked up the phone." I hugged Dean back and enjoyed his embrace. It seemed only days ago Dean found out about my coping methods and decided to help. "Please Castiel. Never do it again. I can't stand having to wake up like that again. I will do everything I can to make sure you beat these demons that make you act this way. Your family Cas. And family don't end with blood. Sam cares for you as if you were my boyfriend. Tam… we all know she wants us to have threesome with Sam and me. Cas, I need you. I couldn't rest while you were in Purgatory. I wanted to scream, kick, punch and exterminate every critter until I was able to pull you out of there. So never for one second think I don't care about you Cas." Dean then started crying and I just held him. The Righteous Man I had lifted from perdition was standing here before me, and ex angel of the lord, crying about the fact I had tried to extinguish myself from here so my fellow angels could return to heaven. The Righteous Man was holding closely a useless hunk of junk proclaiming that loosing me would affect him as much as each time he has lost Sam. "Dean… why do you feel this way?" I asked perplexed. "I'm no longer an angel. I don't see why you could whether or not I live." Before he could answer we heard shouting coming from outside. 'WHAT IS IT TAMEKA THAT IS MAKING CAS DO THIS?" Sam screamed only to be followed by Tameka screaming back with equal force.

* * *

 **Sam's POV**

"DAMMIT SAM!" Tam looked at me with hurt in your eyes. "WHAT?" I screamed wanting her to answer. "YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT CAS HAS NO CONTROL OVER THIS! HE REGRETS IT SAM. HE'S FEELING GUILTY FOR WHAT HE DID TO HIS FELLOW COLLEGUES AND CAN'T LET IT GO." She screamed back at me with anger. "How do you know this?" I asked because there something about the way her eyes glistened like freshly cut glass that seemed to drain my anger away. She looked at me with anger. "Because." "Because what?" "BECAUSE I DO SAM NOW WILL YOU JUST LEAVE IT!" She stormed away just as Dean opened the door. 'What just happened?" He asked and I just sank down against the wall. "Tam's not telling us something. She somehow knows what's causing Cas to do this. I know she's studying psychology in her spare time but that's not why she knows this." I just still couldn't believe the fact that Tam seemed so hurt that I didn't understand that Cas felt guilt. "Dammit Sam. You know she doesn't like talking about her past. And we both know something happened before she turned 17 that changed her perspective." I just scoffed at that, not wanting to admit that Dean was right.

* * *

 **Tam's POV**

I walked towards the Impala and tried hard to not scream. I needed to drive. I sent Dean a text that explained I was taking the Impala for a while, probably to drive back to the bunker and get Freedom. Tears threatened to spill as happy memories started playing in my mind. _"No. I insist you keep your money." Blonde Sherlock put the money back in my hands as I tried, yet failed, to tell him to keep the money. "No. You keep the money. You've already done so much for me."_ How? How could I have treated him like shit. _"You're the worst! I'm sick and tired of your shit!" I then stormed to the back of the class furious at him for not seeing me the way I do._ The stupid situation wouldn't have started if we had moved out of that town before I opened about everything. About what Dean, Sam and I did. About how much crap I've been through. If only there weren't a ridiculous amount of hunts in and around that area over the 3 months I had of being friends with… I slammed on the brakes in the middle of the highway, thankful no one was around. "HE SHOULD'VE HATED ME!" I screamed, stepping on the accelerator going about 100 miles over the limit. I would arrive at the bunker and get in my car. "HE SHOULDV'E WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!" I screamed and turned up the radio. _Just One Yesterday_ by Fall Out Boy started blasting through the speakers.

I thought of angels  
Choking on their halos  
Get them drunk on rose water  
See how dirty I can get them  
Pulling out their fragile teeth  
And clip their tiny wings

Anything you say can and will be held against you  
So only say my name  
It will be held against you

Anything you say can and will be held against you  
So only say my name

If heaven's grief brings hell's rain  
Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday  
(I know I'm bad news)  
For just one yesterday  
(I saved it all for you)  
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way  
Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday  
(I know I'm bad news)  
For just one yesterday  
(I saved it all for you)  
For just one yesterday

Letting people down is my thing baby  
Find yourself a new gig  
This town ain't big enough for two of us  
I don't have the right name  
Or the right looks  
But I have twice the heart

Anything you say can and will be held against you  
So only say my name  
It will be held against you

Anything you say can and will be held against you  
So only say my name (name)

If heaven's grief brings hell's rain  
Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday  
(I know I'm bad news)  
For just one yesterday  
(I saved it all for you)  
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way  
Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday  
(I know I'm bad news)  
For just one yesterday  
(I saved it all for you)  
For just one yesterday

If I spilled my guts  
The world would never look at you the same way  
And I'm here to give you all of my love  
So I can watch your face as I take it all away

If heaven's grief brings hell's rain  
Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday  
(I know I'm bad news)  
For just one yesterday  
(I saved it all for you)  
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way  
Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday  
(I know I'm bad news)  
For just one yesterday  
(I saved it all for you)  
For just one yesterday

* * *

 **Hey guys sorry for the slow updates. Stuff's being going on. Anyway… I really fucked up on this chapter and that's saying something. Now I need advice on where to lead this. So please REVIEW! Anyhow, night guys _**


	13. Dramas Again

**Dean's POV**

I walked back into the room only to find Cass sleeping, his chest rising and falling in time with the monitor's beeping. Walking over I noticed how peaceful he looked. I was questioning on whether I should've bought flowers. His blue eyes blinked open and my breath was stolen as I locked eyes with his. I saw a mixture of panic and fear creep in as he started to take out his cords, mumbling about something that shouldn't have been possible happening, and I stopped him short of changing his clothes. "Cas don't you dare. You are going to tell me right fucking now what's making you panic or so help me your father, I will strap you down in that bed and call a nurse." I said placing my hands out in front. "Fine. There was a surge in the grace. I don't know how I felt it but I did. Elijah… the only Lucifer following angel… he possessed Jay. Jay is someone who was bought back as request of Harlotte… a fellow angel." Cas groaned out. "Okay… Jay is now what?" I asked confused. "Jay became an angel when he was bought back and well… Harlotte very much dislikes me." I decided to not press why he wasn't telling me the full truth. "Well… that's just great. Alright I'll hit up Sam and Tam and hopefully everything will be sorted." Stepping away I began making my phone calls.

* * *

 **Cas'** **POV**

I started pulling on my clothes as Dean made his calls. I had decided to leave out the part where Jay was an old friend of Tam's and that Harlotte defiantly wanted to hurt Tam. It was to do with her vessel. I just had to hope she didn't hurt either of us. Dean then turned to me handing me the phone after 5 or 10 minutes. "Tam wants to ask you some questions and hear the story from you." I took the phone and was prepared to hear shouting. "Cas… Dean said it was important. What is it?" I heard Tam ask obviously driving. "It's Jay… look Jay was born still and Harlotte… Harlotte is an angel who was occupying his sister at the time. Harlotte bought him back. Now… Jay's possessed by the one angel who will bring Heaven and Hell to their knees." I gave it her staright. "Well that's fantastic. Anyway… I caught wind of a hunt in Springfield Missouri. I won't be back for a while." She spoke down the line and said her goodbyes to me. I handed the phone back to Dean and started walking out of the room, ready to discharge myself. I wasn't sure why but something about what Tameka said was off. It literally pained me.

* * *

 **Tam's POV**

After arriving at the bunker, I shot a text to Crowley telling him to take the Impala to Dean or vice versa. Walking into the bunker to grab new clothes and gee… water and food, I flicked on a light to see that Metatron was sitting in one of the chairs. "So glad you could join me Tameka!" Metatron exclaimed while turning around and standing. "What are you doing here Metatron? What do you want?" I asked, ready to grab my gun. "I'm here because well… I know dear ol' Castiel isn't doing so well and with that angel possessing Jay… You were gonna go to him, weren't you?" I bit the inside of cheek before speaking. "What's that got to do with anything?" I asked with slight frustration. It didn't matter I was going to seek out anything relating to a hunt near where I last saw Jay. "Oh Tammy… you mean you never knew that Jay was special? Oh wait… you did… yet you still did what you did." I prepared to throw a punch but stopped short when he started speaking again. "What if I told you that 2… well more like 5 birds could be killed with one stone by myself helping you. Jay can become the angel he's supposed to be, you and Jay can become friends again, Heaven's gates reopen and Castiel… he gets to be happy." He stated simply. "What's the catch?" I asked, waiting to hear it. "No catch. I just feel really guilty for what I did." Metatron stated again. I though over what he was proposing. Essentially, he was basically saying I get one of the best people who ever graced my life back in my life and that Cass gets everything back. The temptation was strong. But this was Metatron so surely there was a catch. Like with what he did with Cass. "I'll do it. But note that one wrong move will mean you go downstairs to Purgatory." I stated sternly meaning every word. "Splendid! We leave for Springfield Missouri in the morning!" He announced. "No Metatron. We leave now. After I pack some essentials." I started packing everything I would need then hopped in my car. Turning her on I smiled cause her purr meant she still had at least 15,000 miles before she needed a service. Pulling out of the bunker I checked behind me to make sure that Metatron wa still sitting in the back sit.

Dean called about an hour or so after I left with news. I asked to speak with Cass and heard what he was saying. So, Metatron wasn't lying. That's always good to know. "Well I'm heading to Springfield, Missouri for a case so I guess I'll meet you guys there." I answered leaving out the part about Metatron because no way were the boys finding out about that. "Alright bye." Hanging up, I focused on the road and turned up the music because Metatron was not someone I wanted to talk too. After a few hours, I had to pull off the road so I could a few hours shut eye before starting the long drive again.

* * *

 **Hello I'm back! This one took much longer than I wanted but I'm back. I have a twitter (tamekandafic) and a backup Instagram (tamekandafictionalbackup) because I'm being very safe. Anyway, I would love some feedback on this. Of course, Cass is gonna get better. I have big plans for how the story is gonna end. Consider my writing style a type of road trip where so long as I get to where I wanna go, anything between now and then is just apart of the journey. It's strange. Anyway must dash.**


	14. Why Can We Not Catch A Break?

The Story So Far (just in case): Cass has turned human and ended up going too far in terms of coping by accident. Now discharged from hospital, the boys are trying to figure out where to find Jay but they have no idea where to start. Meanwhile, Metatron has approached Tam to help Jay. And Tam, never having let go of what she did, starts working with Metatron because then maybe, the world will seem right to her and she'll bloody well forgive herself.

 **Tam's POV**

After what felt like forever I finally arrived in Springfield, pulling into a small motel. Glancing towards the clock I realised that I'd been awake for a total of 44 hours. That's a record even by my stanards. It was about midday but damn I needed a nap. "Hello?" Spoke a voice I hadn't heard. It sounded fimialr but I ignored it, and turned to the person speaking. "Hi. Uhhhh… you want something?" I asked awkardky, the girl was blonde and about Matt Smith's height. "Oh, I just saw you pull in is all. Welcome to Mules anyway." She then walked to wards reception, while I gathered my shit together.

After she showed me to my room, I looked around approvingly. "Hey, do you have a newspaper?" I asked, heading to get us both some coffee. "Sure. My name's Har by the way. What's yours?" Har asked, pulling out a newspaper from a stand I didn't know was outside. "My name's Tam. You want some coffee?" I asked, preparing myself a cup because sleep isn't an option. "Sure. What's bring ya here anyway?" Har asked politely. "I have about 4 answers. Long sarcastic, short sarcastic, half-truth and the forth is all 3. Which do ya want?" I asked. "I'll go with the half-truth." She responded, handing me the newspaper and I handing her the coffee. "Well, my mummy and daddy forced me into religion, I ran, found a cool dude who pointed me in the right direction, found 2 brothers and well… let's just say growing up on the road, constantly changing schools and being told to not show emotions means that some guy tries to be nice to ya and you basically scream at them after awhile cause they got to damn close. Now, work brings me to this town, and well… your motel about the nicest." It was the half-truth. She just nodded. I looked over the newspaper and groaned. Great, turns out there actually was a case here. 3 deaths total over the past couple of weeks. Fan-freaking-tastic.

 **Cass's POV**

After Crowley snapped us back to the bunker, Dean and Sam started moving around packing while I just stood around. "Do you guys want me to help?" I asked, but they just kept gathering things. "Hey, Cass, actually…. Um log onto my computer. Best see if there's a place we can start." I searched for where Tameka was because hey, a leads a lead. Sam and Dean went to hit they hay while I searched and it wasn't until early morning that they emerged. "So… ummmm…. Tam said there was a case in Springfeild, Missouri and get this? 3 deaths over the past two weeks. Now, there isn't much given in the newspaper but it's a good place to start." I smiled because I sounded just like Sam and Dean did. My computer then beeped and I checked what it told me. "Actually, make that 4." Dean sighed. "Alright well, we'll get going. Do you wanna come Cass?" Dean asked, walking towards the duffles that were now packed to get them. Looking towards him, I realised why he was asking. "Yeah. I'll text Tam at some point and so we know where she's staying." We then set out, and all was well.

After arriving, Tam told us what she knew. "Now, I haven't interviewed anyone but I read over the articlues a few times and I'm internlyy groaning." She then handed each of us a copy of the most recent.

 _Local residence, Haro Soki, has recently found Trinby Dallown, age 23, dead outside the woods by what appears to be an animal attack. This is the fourth death in two weeks and residents are scared again because so far, all four killings resemble the 20 or so that were made between 1997 and 2007. Police are worried there will be more. More details on page 7._

We all groaned. "So, what, another werewolf? It doesn't make sense though." Sam spoke and Dean just stood up to get some coffee. "Alright, why don't you tell us why you're groaning?" Dean then sat down at the table and she pulled up another two tabs. "Because the first death, was exactly two weeks ago today, and guess what? She was 23, by the name of Haley Shallow. She was found by her neighbour, Lesbe Intrin, in the same woods as all who came after her. Take a guess as to who vic 2 was." Dean and Sam looked puzzled for a second. I was so confused. "It was Lesbe Intrin. Guess who found her?" She turned to look at us with a "you guys aren't gonna like this." I though over what she said. "The third victum?' I proposed. "And the fourth victum must've found her?" I countined and Tameka grinned a little. "See Cass, you are useful." She then turned to us. "I haven't done much yet but I did ask the motel manager, Har, and she said that it actually sounds a lot like what has previsly happened." Sam and Dean just sighed. It was about 9 in the morning. "So… as in the person who found the body was the next victuim?" I asked again and she just closed her laptop lid. "Yes Cass, and it seems this new whatever has picked up right where the other left off. Why I have no idea." Tameka then went to shower, leaving us alone as we tried to figure out what to do.

 **Hey... so I have no idea how newspaper articules work cause I mostly watch the news so I tried. Anyway, next chapter out whenever. I'm moving into my house this weekend So YaY fInAlLy. Might start writing either the second chapter to that one with the long ass title or start working on the first chapter for my first actual multi-chapter story with a plan. Anywho, places to be, stories to write. I might be getting an AO3? Not too sure yet. Byeee!**


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